When I picked up the telephone, my children seemed to need me more than ever. They pulled on my sleeves, talked to me and hung on my legs. Desperate for uninterrupted telephone time, I sought advice from a close friend. She smiled happily and said, "Give your kids candy. The person on the other end can't see this. Your child is excited, takes a little while to unwrap it, then it goes in his mouth. You just bought yourself a couple of minutes of quiet."

Fearing cavities and hyperactivity in my children, I consulted with other moms. The strategies were not getting much more sophisticated. "I lock myself into the bathroom for a few minutes of privacy on the telephone," was the solution of four mothers. Two of them even admitted to turning on the fan so they couldn't hear their children screaming.

As my frustration grew, I realized it was time to seek advice from experts.

What the Expert Says
Meri Wallace is a child and family therapist and author of Keys to Parenting a Four-Year-Old (Barron’s Educational Series, 1997) and Birth Order Blues: How Parents Can Help their Children Meet the Challenges of their Birth Order (Owl Books, 1999). With years of experience behind her as a mother and professional, she has insights to offer parents.

Wallace says children are very sensitive to your attention being focused elsewhere. "They want you available when they want you,” she says. “It is very natural. The challenge for parents comes when they get an important call or need to make one." The younger the child, the harder it is for them to understand a parent's needs. From a little one's view, it is life and death that a parent be available to them at all times.

To make incoming telephone conversations as stress-free as possible, Wallace offers the following suggestions:

• If someone calls at a time when your child typically needs your attention, ask if you can call back.
• During time with the family when the parent is especially needed, such as meal times, diaper changes or homework, let the answering machine take a message. Picking up the phone during such times sets up more conflict for the parent.
• If it is an important call you have to receive, take a few moments to set up your child with a positive activity.

When you need to make important calls, Wallace suggests keeping calls brief and setting up the child with a special project. She advises rolling out a large piece of paper (the same type teachers use at school). Ask the child to create a picture on it while the telephone conversation takes place. Markers or special crayons that are only used during phone calls could be used to make it an extra fun time for the child. The little one could also make a collage with pieces of paper and glue.

Wallace also suggests putting in a favorite video. "Parents are afraid to use videos to entertain their children, but there are times when it helps everyone," says Wallace. She reminds parents that setting a child in front of a wholesome program during a brief telephone call will make the situation more pleasant for everyone.

What Works for Other Parents
Tracie and Dean Cloward are parents of six children and have learned a lot about patience and teaching kids to respect boundaries. Adding to the Clowards' clout as parents is Dean's role as a school psychologist. He explains that children love attention and often seek it when parents are not giving it. Talking on the telephone is a good example of such a time.

"We can give attention while we are on the phone by simply providing touch," he says. "We need to give it before they ask for it. Tell your children that you are getting on the phone and then remain near them. Touch shoulders, hands or hair and just sit near them and wink and smile."

Tracie Cloward also has positive solutions for mothers who want uninterrupted telephone time:

• Make phone calls during snack time. Feeding children is an easy way to keep them quiet.
• Make planned phone calls during naptime or after bedtime.
• Keep a collection of puzzles, markers, clay and other playthings that can easily be taken out and used at the table. "Bringing those toys out while I am on the phone keeps kids busy and I know where they are," she says.

She also suggests using a cordless phone so that you can keep children in sight and get to them if they need you.

Older Children
As children grow, they are better able to comprehend the need for patience and manners. At that time it becomes more appropriate to enforce stricter rules for telephone etiquette. In teaching children to respect the needs of other family members, many mothers have come up with positive solutions.

Karin Fojtik of Park City, Utah, came up with a helpful idea. "I have a mystery bag full of small prizes like McDonald's toys and books and very inexpensive treats,” she says. “If my kids earn five points, they get a mystery bag prize. Being quiet when I'm on the phone can be worth a point – two points or more if I don't have to remind them."

Jane O'Donnell of Baxter, Minn., believes that when children interrupt a telephone conversation, it is disrespectful to the parent and the person with whom they are talking. "Whenever I receive a telephone call that I know will take a while, I set the stove timer for 15 minutes,” she says. “The rule is that he can't interrupt or he will receive a consequence. I also keep my end of the commitment and terminate the conversation when the timer goes off."

Mary Jean Vogt, of Lexington, Ky., began teaching her children telephone etiquette when they were young. "My twins know if they talk to me while I am on the phone, or interrupt in any way, they will lose something when I hang up,” she says. “It's usually TV. It took a while to sink in, but now it works pretty well."

Little ones need time with Mom. But if you explain the rules of telephone etiquette in advance, provide entertainment that keeps them close and keep phone conversations brief, talking on the telephone may get easier before you know it.

Want to see more?

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• Moms At Work: The Work-At-Home Option – Is It for You?
• Excuse Me, Please! How to Stop the Interrupting
• Talk About It!