Denise Marks, mother of a 4-year-old son in St. Paul, Minn., spent weeks preparing Ben for his first day of preschool. "We drove to the school several times, attended orientation sessions, met his teachers, and he even played with some of the other students," Marks says.

All of Denise's careful preparation paid off. On the first day of preschool Ben was happy to see his teachers and started playing with the other children right away. "Ben was fine, but I was a wreck," she says. "I spent the next two hours crying in my car. I didn't have the heart to leave the parking lot. I don't know what came over me."

Most mothers work hard to prepare their child for the first day of preschool, but unfortunately many do not prepare themselves for the transition. Karen Peckels, parent educator and Early Childhood Family Services manager, in Eagan, Minn., says that preparing parents for the transition is just as important as preparing the child.

A Matter of Trust
The most important thing parents can do is work on trust issues. "It is vital that children learn to trust their caregivers in order to build secure relationships – the same concept must be applied to parents as well," says Peckels. "It's just as important for parents to build trust in the person they are turning their child over to."

Parents can work on trust issues in many ways. First, parents should investigate the preschool to make sure the teacher is trustworthy and that the values and goals are similar to the parents'. "It's important to spend lots of time at the preschool," says Peckels. "Don't just go by word of mouth. Parents need to observe the caregivers, how the children are treated and what the environment is like."

Parents need to start investigating preschools nine to 10 months ahead of the time their child plans to enroll. "Many preschools with fall start dates have registration in February so parents should start checking out schools in December and January," says Peckels. "They will need that much time to observe several programs, get feedback from a variety of people and compare prices."

Fear of the Unknown
Another obstacle mothers face is an uncertain future that comes with a new experience. "Mothers have a great fear of the unknown," says Peckels. When a child goes to a new place with new people mothers struggle with many questions: Will my child be OK? Will someone be watching out for my child's needs? Will they be safe?

In addition, many parents are scared of how their children will behave without them. "How a child behaves in another setting is a reflection on that parent, and many parents are nervous about that," says Peckels. "There is a lot riding on this first experience, and many parents fear that if their child misbehaves it means they are a bad parent."

Practice Makes Perfect
Parents also have a hard time letting go of their child. "It's difficult for parents to let go of the responsibility and control that they have built since their baby was born," says Peckels. One way parents can turn over some control is to practice letting go. "When the child is an infant, mothers should practice allowing their child to be away from them. They should start by leaving the child with friends, relatives and neighbors they trust. It takes practice, just like children need practice."

Although it is common for both child and parent to experience some separation anxiety during the preschool years, some parents will stop leaving their child because it is too traumatic for both of them. Peckels warns parents not to make that mistake. "Instead, [parents] should find trusting places to leave their child and they should do it more frequently for shorter periods of time," she says.

In the long run it is best for both parents and children if children have experiences beyond the parent. "Children need to learn that there are other people in the world that can take care of them – and parents need to learn that it's OK to have time without their child," Peckels says. "The more intense separation anxiety I've seen is usually a situation with an only child, and the mother and child haven't had a lot of experiences away from each other. If parents can build those experiences a little earlier and at their own rate it will be easier than doing it cold turkey at preschool time."

Parent Preparation Tips
There are many ways parents can prepare for the first day of preschool:

• Share with other parents. Talking to other parents about how difficult the transition is can be very helpful to parents. "It's important for parents to know they are not alone," says Peckels.
• Check out options. It also helps to look at different preschool options and programs. "Mothers should look for a perfect fit for their child," Peckels says. "They should start out with what's comfortable for both [parent] and child. Maybe a two-day a week program is better than three days."
• Celebrate the milestones. "It's important to celebrate the milestones instead of looking at them with sadness," Peckels advises. "Instead of saying 'My child is growing up and doesn't need me' mothers need to celebrate the fact that they are experiencing this step together with their child."
• Set your mind for success. How parents react to change really has an impact on their child. "If mothers are struggling with change this can really make it difficult for the child," says Peckels. "[Parents] have a role and they need to deal with the emotional part of this transition in their child's life. If they feel good about the situation it will be successful. If they don't, it will fail."
• Get involved. Most preschools welcome parent participation and many offer advisory councils and parent groups. It's important for parents to get to know their child's teacher. "Parents need to keep on top of what is happening and make sure they are comfortable with the curriculum," says Peckels. "They also need to listen to their child and make sure what they are hearing is the same as what they are seeing at the preschool. If a parent hears things they are uncomfortable with they have the right to ask questions."
• Make the most of your down time. Although the time during preschool goes fast, Peckels encourages parents to use the down time to take care of themselves. "Parents need to devote some time to their interests,” she says. “Read a book or call a friend. I guarantee the time will just keep going faster, so it's important for parents to learn to take care of themselves today."