Question: How can I get my kids to cooperate with
me? I’m constantly nagging and complaining, not that
it does any good! It seems like it starts in the
morning and doesn’t end until they are all asleep. I
get so frustrated, I really don’t know what to do.
Help!
Think about it: This is the number one complaint
of parents around the globe. It’s a biggie – purely
because there are so many things we must get our kids
to do (or not do!). If you’re waiting for your
child to start cooperating of his own free will -- you
might want to pack a lunch. Things won’t change on
their own. It takes consistent, effective parenting
skills to change your children’s behavior and to
encourage your children to cooperate, willingly, on a
regular basis. It will take practice, patience and
persistence on your part. Once you’ve made a few
changes in your approach, you’ll find that you’re no
longer praying for bedtime, but actually enjoying your
children.
Be specific: Don’t make general comments that hint
at what you would like done, such as, “It would be
nice if somebody helped me clean up.” Don’t make
it sound as if compliance is optional by starting your
sentence with “Will you? Could you? Would you?”
or ending your sentence with, “OK?” Make your
request clear, short and specific, “Please put your
dishes in the sink and wash the table.” or
“It’s six o’clock. Gather your homework and come to
the table.” Practice making clear statements that
clearly identify what you need or that describe the
problem without elaboration and lecturing.
Set Priorities: Use the “When/Then” technique,
also known as Grandma’s Rule. This method simply lets
your child know the sequence of his priorities. Work
first/Play second. “When you have finished your
homework, then you may play your new computer game.”
“As soon as your pajamas are on, we’ll read a book.”
“The minute the dishes are washed, you can go out and
ride your bike.”
Give more choices: Offer your child a choice,
“Would you like to sweep the floor or dry the
dishes?” You can also use a sequence choice, such
as, “What would you like to do first, put on your
pajamas or brush your teeth?” Another way to use
choice is the time-focused choice, “Would you like
to start at 8:00 or 8:15?” If a child creates a
third option, simply say, “That wasn’t one of the
choice” and re-state your original statement. If a
child refuses to choose, you choose for him. It’s
important that when you give your child a choice that
he learn to live with the consequences of his
decision. So if your little run is running amok in the
grocery store, you can say, “You have a choice. You
can walk beside me or ride in the cart.” The
minutes he takes off you can pick him up, put him in
the cart and say, “I see you’ve decided to ride in
the cart.”
Lighten up: Use humor to gain cooperation. A bit
of silliness can often diffuse the tension and get
your child to cooperate willingly. It also can help
you feel better about your day.
Stay calm: Avoid letting your emotions take
control. Don’t yell, threaten, criticize or belittle.
Instead, ask yourself a question, “What is the
problem?” Then, make a statement of fact, such
as, “There are dirty dishes and snack wrappers in
the TV room.” Pause. Be silent. And stare at your
children. It’s amazing that kids will know exactly
what you’re thinking. Most often, they’ll respond by
cleaning up. If not, back up your approach with one of
the other solutions.
Use knowledge and skills: Read parenting books and
learn new skills. For example, my book, Kid
Cooperation (How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading
and Get Kids to Cooperate) has lots more
suggestions and practical ideas.
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