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Expert Q&A

	By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc.

How can I help create a setting that will nurture a long lasting friendship between my two boys?

What a beautiful question! And what a perfect time to be thinking about how you can help your boys to be friends. Here are a few ideas that will put all of you down the right road:

Whenever you see the older child playing nicely with the baby, make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about the important "older brother." Hug and kiss your older child and tell him how proud you are.

Encourage the baby to look to his big brother for help or fun. When you are playing ball with the baby encourage big brother to play, and focus the baby's attention there: "Look! Brother is playing with you."

As they grow, help each child focus on his own needs rather than what his brother has. If he says, "How come he gets a whole sandwich, and I only get half?" You can respond, "Oh, are you still hungry? Would you like more sandwich?" He may quickly figure out that half is all he wanted, anyhow.

Avoid comparing your children to each other as a way of encouraging compliance. "Your brother's toys are nice and tidy. Can you get yours to look like that?" "Your little brother's not afraid to go down the slide." Comparisons breed jealousy and resentment because children feel that your love and acceptance is based on a competition between them.

Help each child see and appreciate his own strengths. Comment on the things he does well, praise him for a job well done, and encourage him to develop his own skills. If a younger sibling always feels in his older brother's shadow, try to direct him to different arenas. For example, if older brother excels in baseball, sign up the younger one for soccer so he'll have an opportunity to develop his own abilities without comparing himself to anyone else.

Encourage your children to be playmates, but recognize that they also are individuals who look to you for praise and encouragement. Your actions can have a very positive effect on your children's relationship.

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