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Expert Q&A

	By iParenting Staff iParenting Staff Experts

My son and daughter are 4 and 5, respectively. They always want to play with the toy the other one has. He'll pick up one toy and she'll try to take it from him. She gets the toy from him, he picks up a different one, and she then goes after that toy. How can I get them to play well together?

While it might appear that your daughter wants the toy her brother is playing with, the fact that she wants whatever he has at any given moment suggests other possibilities to consider.

• Does your son (the younger child) get more attention than your daughter (the older one)?
  
  
• Does your daughter boss and in other ways control your son in other areas of their lives besides the toy he is playing with at the moment?
  
  
• Has your daughter ever expressed a wish to be a boy?

Thinking about these or other possible underlying causes of your daughterų actions might help to lessen her need to gain her own satisfactions at her brotherų expense.

Meanwhile, you can try to help your daughter think about what she's doing in a way that will strengthen her feelings of empathy for others. Try asking her questions as, "How do you think your brother feels when you take his toys?" If she answers, "sad," or "mad," you can ask, "Do you really want him to feel that way?" If she responds to these questions, you can then ask, "What can you do, or say, so your brother won't feel that way?"

It also appears that your son does not stand up for his rights. It he passively lets his sister take his toy and picks up a different one every time he is playing with something, he may be sending a message to his sister that it's OK for her to take his toys. You can try to help him assert himself by asking, "How do you feel when your sister takes your toys from you?" Then ask, "Can you think of something to say so your sister won't keep on doing that?"

I have found in my research over the past 30 years that as early as age four, sometimes even three, children can, or can learn to solve problems like these. If given the skills and the freedom, they can think for themselves. And they're much more likely to carry out their own ideas than ones demanded, suggested, or even explained by us.

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