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Expert Q&A

	By Diana Jones Safety Expert

One of my 4-year-old's friends told me his parents have a real gun in their home. What's the best way to handle this?

The first responsibility of a parent in this instance is to determine exactly how you feel about guns. In this specific situation you will have to address two separate but related issues: how you feel about guns in the general sense -- good, bad, indifferent, useful in specific ways, etc., and how you feel about the possibility of your child being in a home in which guns are kept.

To complicate things further, the climate in our country at the current time only serves to make this a more difficult prospect as people must reconcile their own personal views about guns with their feelings about terrorism and retaliation. Even a 4-year-old has some sense that our country is involved in a combat situation.

To begin with, be sure you are confident and certain of your opinion before you begin your discussion with your child. Scrambling with your feelings as you are attempting to explain this to any child, let alone one so young, will only create a confusing situation in which your child will absorb little to none of what you are trying to say. Make your sentences brief and concrete. Do not get philosophical; keep the information simple. Ask your child if he or she understands what you are saying, if he or she has any questions or feelings that they would like to share, and ask for feedback so that you can be certain that they are correctly understanding the information that you are sharing. Try not to preach or get emotional as this is a very sensitive issue and you do not want to heighten your child's level of discomfort or curiosity. Also try not to pass judgments on the feelings of others when it comes to this issue, as sometimes feelings can be difficult to substantiate without getting emotional if a child tends to probe further. Despite whether you are pro or con on this issue, determine a plan to institute should your child have any contact in the future with guns or with someone or someplace where they are so as to avoid any unnecessary risks.

If it is your feeling that you do not want your child in a home where guns are kept, you should unwaveringly respect these feelings. In the case of a child as young as 4, with very little explanation you can just not allow play dates at this home. With an older child, I might take the tack that I use when teaching all safety lessons which is simple and applies to any situation. It goes something like this: "There is no such thing as being kind of safe, sort of safe, basically safe or mostly safe. Safety is an all or nothing situation. You are either safe or you are not. Therefore, because there is risk involved no matter how carefully parents may approach the responsibility of having guns in their homes, I cannot allow you to be in the home. I wont tempt fate." I have found this to be a very effective approach with older children because it is reasonable and children respond to reason. It is not about control.

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