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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

My son is very hurt by his preschool classmates saying they don't want to be his friend. How do I explain their behavior to my 4-year-old?

The most common insult preschoolers give each other is "I'm not your friend." Explain to him that even the best of friends say mean things when they are angry or having a bad day.

Now comes the fun part. Start teaching him today how to "Bully Bust." This approach is thoroughly explained in How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies. It focuses on verbal bullying and teaches a method that treats cruelty with compliments, questions or humor.

My favorite response to "I'm not your friend" is "I'm not your toe." Sometimes this turns into a game and children go back and forth with comments like, "I'm not your nose..." "Well, I'm not your finger..." and everyone ends up giggling. However, if your son simply says, "Thank you" or "I wonder why you're not MY friend?" he will still be breaking the vicious cycle of kiddie cruelty. Making such responses is very empowering to children. This is a learned skill and can be taught just by playing around with unkind comments. Telling children to ignore mean remarks, usually leaves them feeling hurt. Teaching them to make rude retorts can make the situation escalate in physical bullying.

You are so smart to realize that this is not as simple as "Don't push" or "Don't hit," and as you help your son learn to redirect meanness, you will help yourself deal with annoying adults.

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