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Expert Q&A

	By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc.

My daughter is shy. Today her teacher asked if I was aware of her "emotional immaturity." What should I do?

I find your daughter's teacher's comments unusual, so the first step I would take would be to set up an appointment with this teacher and ask him or her to elaborate. What exactly does "emotional immaturity" mean? Can the teacher cite specific examples of things she has observed with your daughter? What course of action, if any, does the teacher recommend? If your daughter is, as you say, just "shy,ö realize that most kids will overcome this with time and practice. Some, however, are naturally more tentative with strangers and will always be more reserved in social situations.

There are a number of things you can do to help your naturally shy daughter feel more comfortable with others. As an example, you can allow her to "practice" her social skills by involving her in unthreatening social situations, such as a small gathering of friends or family. Being comfortable in such settings comes easier with practice.

Don't force your daughter to be more socially outgoing than is comfortable for her. Teach and encourage polite manners, but don't force more than that. Accept the fact that your child may be more reserved, and understand that all people are different, and that these differences are healthy and appropriate.

I'd be careful not to label your daughter as "shy" so that she doesn't see that as who she is. If anyone else makes this comment, correct him or her by saying your child is sometimes "quiet, thoughtful or cautious."

Keep in mind that the actions we perceive as shyness are a sign of various different situations. Some kids need more time to warm up to a group or a new peer. Some kids don't have enough practice in social situations to feel comfortable jumping right in to the action. Some kids are tentative about new situations. And some are, yes, shy. Most of these situations can be overcome though practice and encouragement.

If you feel that your daughter is shy around other children you can invite one child to your home at a time for a play date. After a time, invite two friends over. In the comfort of her own home, your daughter will usually feel more comfortable and get to know the other children. She can then transfer that comfort to other social settings.

Another idea is to involve your child in a physical activity, such as swimming or gymnastics, or a sports team. After the initial adjustment, the experience will build your child's confidence in group settings.

One last thought: Some children are comfortable and content in their quiet way of interacting with the world. They have one or two good friends, are doing well in school, and are happy and self-confident. Make sure you aren't assuming a problem where one doesn't really exist!

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