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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

Do you think it's OK to tell a 5-year-old that his father, who is not living with us, has a drug problem?

It is amazing what 5-year-olds pick up from the conversations they hear around them about family problems, so it is important to ask the child what he thinks makes daddy so difficult to be around, before launching into any adult explanation. It is also worth remembering that the degree of anger and hostility that this mother may feel towards her husband may not be shared by the child and therefore belittling dad in the child's eyes serves no useful purpose.

What to tell a 5-year-old in this situation is always a tough decision. Perhaps the most important point to get across is that "Daddy is not acting this way because you have done something wrong." Children look for explanations for their parent's erratic behavior and often falsely conclude that it is their fault -- especially if the arguments they hear are about them.

The concept of having "a drug problem or alcohol problem" is hard for a child to understand, especially as it would seem that the solution is simple -- just stop taking the drug. Helping the child to see this type of addiction more as an illness which needs help from doctors/psychologists, than as a chosen behavior pattern which hurts those around him, will help preserve some of the love, respect and sympathy the child needs to have towards his father. This positive base will be needed to rebuild the damaged relationship if and when the self-abusing behaviors stop.

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