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Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

Should I tell my 4-year-old son that the man Iŭ going to marry and the man he refers to as ôdadö is not his biological father?

This is, of course, a heartbreaking situation. If your son's biological father had chosen to remain in his life, you wouldn't be faced with this dilemma. There are a few things to remember here. First, there is absolutely now way to hide this fact from your son forever. But you probably already knew that. Second, communication with kids about difficult or sensitive topics should match their age and level of cognitive development. Third, if you pay attention to what is going on in the family, a "natural" or comfortable opportunity to tell your son will arise before you know it.

For example, the occasion of your marriage is a perfect opportunity to talk simply, matter-of-factly, and directly about it. "Timmy, Dad and I are getting married."

Timmy asks, "What does that mean?"

You reply, "It means that we are having a ceremony to let the whole world know that we love each other and will always love each other. People who are important to us will be there, and there will be a special party afterwards. Dad and I would like you to be a part of that ceremony."

"OK," Timmy says.

"I don't know if you remember back to when you were a little baby, but Dad came into our lives when you were 1 year old, and he has been your Dad ever since. He loves us very much."

Timmy might ask, "Who was my Dad before he came into our lives?"

You might say, "Your birth father was having a hard time deciding what to do with his life and so he moved away when you were 6 months old. So, we didn't have anyone else in our lives until I met Dad."

Timmy might ask, "Was he mad at me?"

"No," you'd say. "He was confused about his own life and didn't know what he wanted to do, so he left. You didn't have anything to do with it. He and I just weren't able to get along."

Timmy says, "Sometimes you and I don't get along. Does that mean you'll leave someday?"

"No, no, not at all. I'll always be your Mom, and Dad will always be your Dad. We're a family now, and we'll always be together."

Of course, the direction of the conversation will be determined by the questions he asks, and by his level of cognitive development. Prior to age 7 or so, kids are very, very concrete, so it is especially important to be very concrete, direct and literal. Also, always tell the truth, but be judicious in how much of the truth you share at a given age. A teenager is able to comprehend many of the subtleties, complexities, and nuances of relationships. A 4-year-old wants and needs to know who isn't and who is in his life and whether he can trust that they'll be there regularly. This will only be proven by being there regularly -- a parent can say he cares, but if he isn't there on a consistent and predictable basis, the message won't get across.

Needless to say, as he matures, your son will have more complex questions and feelings about this. It is especially important that you and Dad get comfortable with your own feelings, and that you realize that children can handle all kinds of difficult life events and circumstances. We try to help parents talk about difficult things by helping them get comfortable with their own confusing feelings first. Once you do that, the other "rules" that you're probably already aware of are much easier to put into play. Some of these are:

• Don't ever bad-mouth his birth father. It will put him in a double-bind eventually, no matter what kind of spin you put on it, because he is connected to this man by blood.
• Assure him that he was not the reason that his birth father left.
• Don't make up things. Invariably, this strategy backfires. It may be a staple of poorly written sitcoms, but as a strategy for dealing with real-life situations, it's not a good way to go.
• Don't let yourself become threatened should his birth father someday try to re-enter your son's life.

There are also numerous lessons we can learn from children who have been adopted. The above scenario is simply a part of your son's personal, intimate, unique, individual history. Everyone has such a history, and for each person, it is different, which is what "unique" means. Respect your son's intelligence and individuality, and you'll do just fine.

Or, your new husband may want to adopt your son, at which time your normal conversations about this process will present the occasion to talk to your son. As this process unfolds, the two of you can sit down with your son and you can tell him that his birth father left when he was a little tiny baby, and that Dad has been his father since he was that he has always known, and that will always have."

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