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Expert Q&A

	By Jenny Lewis, M.D. Pediatrician

My wife and I are separated, and she thinks I coddle our 4-year-old son too much. Is this a problem?

As a pediatrician and mother of two I would be the last person to suggest you become less affectionate to your 4-year-old, or less able to show your love for him in a warm physical way. He certainly needs your presence in his life and you should make every effort to maintain a loving relationship with him. A strong relationship with both parents is the best predictor of a good outcome for children of divorce.

Because you and your wife are separated there are some specific issues raised by your question about coddling that you might like to think about. These, and many other day to day issues, are explained in our book Don't Divorce Your Children (Contemporary Books) by Jennifer Lewis and William Sammons, which you can order from bookstores and learn more about at www.childrenanddivorce.com.

Parental Competition:
When parents separate they each often fear that their child will become more attached to one of them than the other. The residential parent fears that, as the one responsible for more of the daily chores and discipline, she/he will be seen as "less fun to be with" than the non-residential parent. The non-residential parent fears that the child will become more distant unless he/she puts in an extraordinary amount of effort and or money to please the child when they are together. The reality is that children seldom take sides based on these parent behaviors and want to be free to love both parents equally, even though the parents no longer love each other. Each parent should be careful not to criticize the other in front of the child thus putting the child in a loyalty bind.

Telling the Truth:
It is very important to maintain the trust a child has in you as a parent and the one way in which this is most easily eroded is by making promises you cannot keep, or offering reassurances about the future while it is still uncertain. Every time something eg "We won't have to move house" is promised and then retracted, the child begins to doubt what he can believe. So that statements like "I'll always love you" even if accompanied by a warm cuddle, cease to be reassuring. It is tempting to want to look good in your children's eyes but any lying, even in a "good cause," erodes trust.

Listening to your child's words and behavior:
Your little boy has said he is sad with his words, but is saying he is angry through his school behavior. If he is not acting out at home it may be because he is feeling at fault for causing you to separate and magically believes that being "good" might bring you back together. It is important for him to understand that he did not make you split up and is not able to bring you together, but he needs the opportunity to tell you what he thinks he did wrong before you can offer him any reassurance he will believe.

Giving your child some control:
Children caught in separation/divorce feel (like the adults) that their whole world is out of their control and that they are a mere pawn in the parents' game. This often leads them to refuse to listen to authority-teachers/parents -- and act up against all limits and rules. Listening to your child's point of view, acknowledging his feelings and giving him some say in his day to day activities eg clothes he wears, games/ activities he chooses, is crucial. Being consistent and maintaining the same limits as before the separation (even though you feel sorry for him) is reassuring when so much around him is in flux.

Parents who separate seldom see eye to eye on parenting and often have very different parenting styles. As long as each has sufficient time to build their relationship with their child as he/she grows, and supports the child in maintaining love for both of them, the future for all holds much promise.

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