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Expert Q&A
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| By Jenny Lewis, M.D. Pediatrician | ||
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My husband and I are separating. How much should I tell my 4-year-old son?
Four year-olds are keen observers. How much they understand varies significantly, but he has been watching and comparing with what he sees in other families and on the television. If you say something he doesnŴ understand youŬl get a blank look, a shrug, a questioningly raised eyebrow and you can re-phrase or move on if you decide the issue is not that important. If you are telling him something important and you suspect he doesnŴ understand, then ask because he may be too embarrassed to say heų confused when he sees you trying so hard to make it clear to him.
The most important thing is to tell him the truth. That doesnŴ mean telling him everything you might reveal, but donŴ lie to him. You can always expand the story but donŴ put yourself in the position of having to retract what you said. That will severely damage his trust in you. Right now the most truthful answer may be that you ôdonŴ knowö for questions such as "When will you and Daddy get back together again?"
What will be most important is for him to know where his father will be living, when he will see him, and how hem will hear from him during the time in between visits. Keep it simple and direct -- you might want to draw up a block calendar and color in days for instance.
Equally important to what you tell him is the schedule you set up for time with both parents, avoiding short visits and complicated transitions. This is all covered in much more detail at childrenanddivorce.com or in our book DonŴ Divorce Your Children (Contemporary, 1999)."
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