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Expert Q&A

	By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc.

My son likes to hit. I've tried everything to get him to stop. Any advice?

You aren't alone. Many children will resort to hitting a playmate when they are angry or when they are over-excited. Kids exhibit this behavior because of a lack of knowledge, wisdom and self-control. Kids will have strong emotions, we can't prevent that. But what we can do is to teach them more appropriate ways to deal with their feelings.

The first idea is to watch your child closely during playtime. When you see him becoming frustrated, angry, or wound up, intervene and redirect his attention to another activity until he calms down, they reintroduce him into the play activity.

It's also wise to teach your child how to express anger or frustration safely. This can be done via role-playing or discussion. It can be helpful to read children's books about anger together, and then talk about what you've read. If you discuss this with your child in advance of a play date he may remember what he's learned in a moment of excitement.

It takes time to break a habit like this, so even with training your child may still hit another child. Any time your child hits, immediately and gently take him by the shoulders, look him in the eye and say in a firm voice, "no hitting, time-out." Or "when you hit, you sit." Guide the child to a chair or other time out place and announce, "You may get up when you can remember how to play without hitting." If your child gets up and hits again, your can direct him back to his time out chair and announce, "You are not ready to get up yet."

Make sure you are not "play hitting" your child at any time. Children will do as they see done, even though they may do it at inappropriate times. Often young children who wrestle with a parent will then use these same actions during non-wrestling times. Also, pay attention to the television or movies your child is watching that involve hitting or other violence. A surprising amount of cartoons and programs aimed at young children involve violent acts. Young children can become immune to impact of the violence and also model what they see as an appropriate way of handling anger.

Another idea that can curb your child's impulsive acts is to give more attention to the victim than the hitter. After a brief statement, "no hitting," turn your back to the hitter and give attention to the victim. Often the hitter gets so much attention that hitting becomes a way of gaining the spotlight, and changing your focus of attention can put an end to this.

A child who hits is often very tactile. You can help your touchy-feely child how to use positive physical touches such as back rubs or foot massages. I know of one preschool that engages the school "bullies" to become back-rubbers for the toddler group at naptime. Under direct supervision, the children who are more physical gain a positive outlet for their physical energy and their need to touch others.

Another technique is to teach your child to clap his hands together 10 times whenever he feels an urge to hit another child. This suggestion gives him an immediate physical outlet for his intense emotions and helps him learn to keep his hands to himself.

And, as always, reward your child with praise anytime you see him successfully curbing his hitting impulses.

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