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Expert Q&A

	By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc.

My 3-year-old's behavior fluctuates daily in terms of mood and disposition. Is this normal?

Children can go through the "terrible twos" at age 2, 3 or 4. Come to think of it, they can also go through this at 6, or 10, or 14. Dr. Louise Bates Ames describes childhood as a "behavior spiral." She explains that children will go through periods of peaceful, easy behavior, followed by periods of "challenging the parents at every turn." The best defense for parents is to have solid parenting skills, so that although your child's behavior fluctuates, yours doesn't. Here are a few tips on gaining cooperation that may be helpful right now:

Be specific: Don't make general comments that hint at what you would like done, such as, "It would be nice if somebody helped me clean up." Don't make it sound as if compliance is optional by starting your sentence with "Will you? Could you? Would you?" or ending your sentence with, "OK?" Make your request clear, short and specific: "Please put your toys in the toy box." Practice making clear statements that clearly identify what you need or that describe the problem without elaboration, complaining and lecturing.

Set Priorities: Use the "When/Then" technique, also known as Grandma's Rule. This method simply lets your child know the sequence of his priorities. Work first/Play second. "As soon as your pajamas are on, we'll read a book." "When you're done with your lunch you can have a cookie ."

Give more choices: Offer your child a choice, "Would you like to pick up the Legos or the books?" You can also use a sequence choice, such as, "What would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?" Another way to use choice is the time-focused choice: "Would you like to now or after lunch?" If a child creates a third option, simply say, "That wasn't one of the choices" and restate your original statement. If a child refuses to choose, you choose for him. It's important that when you give your child a choice that he learn to live with the consequences of his decision. So if your little run is running amok in the grocery store, you can say, "You have a choice. You can walk beside me or ride in the cart." The minutes he takes off you can pick him up, put him in the cart and say, "I see you've decided to ride in the cart."

Lighten up: Use humor to gain cooperation. A bit of silliness can often diffuse the tension and get your child to cooperate willingly. It also can help you feel better about your day.

Stay calm: Avoid letting your emotions take control. Don't yell, threaten, criticize or belittle. Instead, ask yourself a question, "What is the problem?" Then, make a statement of fact, such as, "There are toys all over the floor!" It's amazing that kids will know exactly what you're thinking. Most often, they'll respond by cleaning up. If not, back up your approach with one of the other solutions.

Use knowledge and skills: Read parenting books and learn new skills. For example, my book, Kid Cooperation (How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate) has lots more suggestions and practical ideas.

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