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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

When my 4-year-old daughter plays with her friend, also 4, one takes on the role as a bully. This has caused friction between our families. What can I do?

Children of this age are very territorial. Frequent fighting is common. The fact that they get along well with others is a sign that nothing too disturbing is going on. They may play together better when they are somewhere besides each other's houses. Of course most of the time they will need to play at one house or the other. Put toys away a head of time that the child who is the "hostess" doesn't want to have to share. Don't push too much for sharing at this age. If they still fight over a toy, put the toy in time out.

Whatever parent is in charge can separate them when they fight for a brief time out. They can come out when they can say why they were upset and why the other child is upset. You might schedule shorter play periods. If they can handle 30 minutes together, then go for 45 minutes.

But, take heart. My daughter is now almost 16 and is still best friends with our neighbor of the same age. At 4, the neighbor tended to be the bully. When my daughter got upset, I mainly asked her how she wanted to handle it and what she wanted me to do. Eventually, she learned to stand up for herself and set her own limits. Children can ONLY learn how to work out conflicts by having them.

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