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Home › Expert Q&A › Bedwetting › How can I help my girlfriend's 10-year-old sister who lives with her and who is struggling with bedwetting?

Expert Q&A

 

By Paul Coleman
Psychologist Family Therapist

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about eight months. I am 24 she is 21. Her parents died about a year ago and her sister who is 10 came to live with her. I have become very close to my girlfriend and her sister.

About three months ago her sister started to wet the bed. We took her to the doctor, and she said that her bladder wasn't growing with the rest of her. Both her sister and I understand that it is not her fault and do everything we can to make it better for her.

Well, last week I picked her up after school and took her to the mall with me. We had been there for about an hour or so when I noticed that she was suddenly really quiet. I asked her if she was OK, and she told me that she had wet her pants. I was not mad at her and just tried to help her to hide it from other people. We left and I took her home. When we got in the door my girlfriend saw her sister's pants and became really frustrated. She went to the store and bought a pack of pull-ups and told her sister that she would have to wear them during the daytime.

It is about a week later and her sister is feeling really bad. She does not want to go to school, cries a lot and has had a few more daytime problems. When all three of us are out somewhere my girlfriend tries to embarrass her sister. Today we went shopping, and my girlfriend asked her sister in a plain, well-heard voice if she "had done pee pee in her [GoodNites]." This made her sister start to cry really badly. I just gave my girlfriend a look.

She does not want to really hurt her sister's feelings and apologized afterward. I don't know what to do. I don't want her sister to feel like a baby but I don't want my girlfriend to get mad at me for taking her sister's side. What should I do?

I think you should speak up to your girlfriend. It is good that she has apologized to her younger sister, but her attitude and actions are making the problem significantly worse. The 10-year-old is without parents, which in itself must be very hard for her. But to have to be ridiculed over something she cannot help may make her entire life seem something she cannot bear.

Your girlfriend is young, too. She has many responsibilities now that she never anticipated. It must be scary to be responsible for her younger sister. She needs your support. But sometimes a supportive friend has to say things that are hard to hear.

The bedwetting is recent. I assume she never had a problem like that before. Ordinarily that means that the prognosis is good. Bedwetting while asleep is less of a problem than wetting when one is awake. That loss of control is of more concern. The best remedy is to go to a medical supply store and purchase a "bell and pad." It is also called a urine alarm. It works only at night when the person is asleep. A bell goes off at the first sign of urine and the person is awakened and is then able to use the bathroom. It is a highly effective method. Perhaps her success at night might give her encouragement for the daytime problem.

If the daytime problem persists, talk again with a pediatrician. Other treatments are available. But getting angry at the girl will only worsen the situation.

Your girlfriend and her sister may also benefit from some short-term family therapy. Your girlfriend might also want to read the book, How to Say It to Your Kids. It discusses effective ways to communicate with children.

Best of luck."

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