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Expert Q&A

	By iParenting Staff iParenting Staff Experts

My 3-year-old wakes up one to three times a night andcomes into our bed. What can I do?

This is a wonderful opportunity to help your son develop a sense of empathy at a level he is capable of understanding. First, play some games with him that are not connected to this particular situation. First tell him you're going to play a game with the word "happy." Ask him to tell you what you do that makes him feel happy. Be very dramatic, and show him a big smile. Then ask him to think of something he does that makes you feel happy. Both of you will laugh hand have some fun with this. Then show him a sad face and ask him if he can think of anything you do that makes him feel sad. (This may be an eye-opener and you may not like what you hear, but it may open up some new lines of communication, and you may learn something about what's on his mind that you don't already know). Now ask him if he can think of anything that he does that makes you feel sad.

You have now opened up communication about both his feelings and yours, and 3 1/2-year-olds are capable of doing this. If your son is unable to answer these questions, spend some time with the words "happy" and "sad" by showing him pictures out of story books of people expressing these feelings and talk about them, and why they might be feeling that way.

Next ask him if he knows what it means to feel afraid, or scared and if there's anything that he feels afraid of. If he doesn't know that word, give him some examples, perhaps silly ones at first to make it fun.

Now connect the games you have played with these words to the problem in real life.Ask him if he is having any dreams that are making him feel afraid, and let him tell you about them. If not, ask him if anything else is making him feel afraid in his room. Let him talk about that as long as he wants to, and listen, really listen and show him you care. He may then feel comfortable enough, and safe enough to fall asleep.

When you feel he has told you what he's thinking and feeling, you can then ask, "How do you think mommy feels when you come in to my bed when I'm sleeping?" After he answers you can ask, "How does mommy feel in the morning when she can't get enough sleep at night?"

You can now follow that question with, "What can you do so mommy will get enough sleep at night and not feel (sad/tired) in the morning?"

By asking, instead of telling your son about your feelings, you are beginning the process of building empathy, you're including him in the conversation, and you're involving him in the process of thinking about what he can do, and how you feel when he does that. Children who are involved in the process of thinking things through for themselves are much more likely to care about themselves, and about others – in this case you and your need to get sleep at night.

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