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White Lies
Yes, Virginia, Little White Lies Are OK
By Kimberly Austin
"The parent tells the child, 'This mess is not like you,' even though he's not a neat kid," says Severe. "But, the lie lets the parent plant the idea in the child's head that they can be [cleaner]."
Still, Severe says a parent always wants to be honest with a child. He suggests that if a parent does not want a child to eat candy, the parent should explain why the child should not eat candy and then tell them about the Great Pumpkin. Severe, the father of three children, adds that a small lie benefits the child but a serious lie benefits the adult, and can be harmful.
Lisa Foster, mother of three, says her own mother used a more serious lie on her once. Her mom told Foster she was going to take a shower, but her mom actually went out of town.
"I was so sad when I found out my mom had left town, but she told the lie to avoid a huge scene, which it would've been," says Foster. "I don't think this is the right approach, however."
Severe agrees, noting that this type of lie is dangerous to the child and can blow a child's self esteem. "Big lies perpetuate anxiety in the child," he says. "The child will think, 'Mom lied to me once -- why not again?'" According to Severe, honesty and fairness are what matter most to children. "If you breech those two things before a child becomes rough around the edges, it really matters."
Reddy discovered the importance of these two qualities when her son became upset after her public relations job called her away. Her son knew she was going to be away and stayed with his grandparents, but she did not tell him she was flying. "They went to the airport to pick me up, and he was very upset," she says. "He said to me, 'I want to know next time.'"
Want to see more?
- How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too -- an excerpt from the book by Sal Severe
- Read The Ghost on Elm Street and find out about the Sugar Ghost, one mom's little white lie to stop her kids from eating too much candy at Halloween
- How to Talk to Your Kids About Anything: 10 Tips
- Do You Know Your Parenting Style? -- take this quiz and find out!