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Home › Articles › Parenting Preschoolers › Tears and Tantrums: Helping Your Preschooler Grieve

Tears and Tantrums: Helping Your Preschooler Grieve

By Donna Stone

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Sometimes adults further confuse the issue in the child's mind by telling the child their loved one "has gone to sleep" or use other such vague terms. Death should be explained in terms the child can understand, without using unnecessary euphemisms. "Passed away," "gone to sleep," "with the angels" and other such terms are gentler sounding, but can cloud a young child's mind.

Preschoolers often revert to babyish behavior, such as thumb sucking or asking for a bottle. They may ask many questions, or conversely, be unable to vocalize their feelings and concerns. Grief in children can have physical manifestations, such as bedwetting, stomachaches or headaches. Clinging to parents or other loved ones and fear of losing others is normal. "When Zachary's father came home from his trip, Zach asked him point blank, 'Are you going to die?'" says Hannah.

Children try to make sense of what is happening and can sometimes come to conclusions on their own. If the only time they see someone in the hospital is when they are dying, they may associate hospitals with dying. It is also hard for youngsters to grasp why death occurs. If told people die when they get sick, they may think, "I get sick," and wonder if everyone who gets sick will die. Hannah found that Zachary had questions to ask of his father the first night he returned home. They had a long conversation in which Zach asked if only men died, and if only old people die.

Talking to Your Preschooler About Death

  • Take advantage of everyday opportunities to introduce the concept of death before a death of a loved one occurs. Explain that every living thing dies, using examples from nature, such as plants and insects.
  • Don't try to shield children from knowledge about death or use vague terms when explaining death.
  • Remember, preschoolers cannot grasp abstract concepts. Explain death in clear, concrete terms they can understand.
  • After experiencing a loss, children will often "play death" and engage in magical thinking that their loved one will return.
  • Allow children to express their grief in their own way. Give them time and space to play. Encourage them to ask questions.

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