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Tears and Tantrums: Helping Your Preschooler Grieve
By Donna Stone
Every once in a while, 3-year-old Zachary goes to sleep clutching a picture of "Poppa," his maternal grandfather. Zachary's mother, Hannah, says he was very close to his Poppa. Last October, Zachary's grandfather unexpectedly died.
Hannah, like many parents, worried about grieving in front of her son and the effect her emotional state would have on him. "I tried to be open about my grief because I think it's more harmful to hide it. Children sense when you're trying to hide something." Hannah was right. Sometimes, well-meaning adults try to hide their grief from children, not wanting to upset them, but it's much healthier to allow children to observe how adults handle grief.
Danny Mize, Director of The Kid's Place, a grieving center, advises parents to let their children see family members mourning. "Model your own feelings related to your grief," says Mize. Children between the ages of 2 and 5 do not know how to respond to the loss of a loved one and will take cues from other family members on how to act.
Children handle loss in ways that are much different than adults. A child may react to news of death in ways adults feel is inappropriate, wanting to go play or seeming to display no sorrow. This is perfectly normal behavior. Preschoolers are at a point in their development where abstract concepts such as death are difficult to understand. Children of all ages need to play as a way to find relief from the stress surrounding grief and to find a degree of normalcy while they come to terms with the events going on around them.
Very young children often do not understand the finality of death, and often think the deceased will return. They will often repeatedly ask when their loved one is returning, and may actively look for them. "Be prepared to answer questions over and over, especially in the case of preschoolers," says Mize. "Preschoolers have great difficulty grasping the concept of the permanency of death."