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Built-in Playmates
Encouraging Positive, Cooperative Play By Heather Johnson Durocher
"Learning to take turns and to see from the other kid's perspective occur during playtime while a child is in the age range of 1 year to 3 years," says O'Brien, who also authored the book Watch Me Grow: I'm Two (William Morrow & Co., 2001) and Watch Me Grow: I'm Three (Perennial Currents, 2002). "It's the adult's job to structure some of their play so they can build up those skills."
At the same time, parents need to provide enough toys, and even some that are specifically one child's, so the children have a sense of ownership.
"I can't stress enough having a sense of owning toys," says Malmstrom, who is the founder and president of Twin Services Inc., also known as TWINLINE, a national resource helping parents cope with "twinshock." "They will barter and trade and carry on and forbid the other to touch their toy. But they have a sense of 'this is me.'"
Wagner refers to this critical way of thinking as a "healthy sense of entitlement." This leads to having the ability and desire to share.
Seeing her twins grow in their friendship with each other is a good feeling, Haller adds. "I've just tried to get them to always be kind to each other no matter what," she says.
This seems to be working well. While there are plenty of trying moments, there also are wonderful times when the boys seem to just click, she says.
Haller recalls a memory of her twins eating together at 6 months of age: "I have a picture of them at that age, sitting in their high chairs, laughing at each other," she says. "One brother is leaning over with his hand on the other's shoulder. It looks like two old guys at a coffee shop."