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Coping with Comments

Handling "Multiple" Questions with Grace

By Amy Carey

It's Friday morning. You've survived a week of play dates and errands with two babies constantly in tow. And here comes a smiling woman with a predictable comment on her lips: "Looks like you have your hands full. They're such big boys. Did you deliver naturally? Did you use fertility drugs?" As unbelievable as it may be that a total stranger is quizzing you about the most personal details of your life, this is an all-to-real occurrence for many moms of multiples.

"The whole world is fascinated by twins," say twin experts and founders of Twinsworld.com, Debbie and Lisa Ganz. "People are not asking to be intrusive. They just aren't educated about twins or twin etiquette."

But whether or not strangers intend to be rude, hearing those comments again and again can be tiresome. "The comments and questions certainly annoyed me in the beginning," says Elizabeth Lyons, a parenting and twins expert who authored Ready or Not ... Here We Come! The REAL Experts' Cannot-Live-Without Guide to the First Year with Twins (Finn-Phyllis Press, 2003). "It was a struggle to get out the door at all, and if someone was going to say something, I would have preferred it be something like, 'Gosh you look fabulous for having twins!' or 'You are my hero!'"

So how can moms of multiples battle their way through the minefield of queries from well-meaning onlookers without losing their cool?

Lyons advises parents to simply do the best they can to respond (or not) and keep walking without getting too upset. "Realize that in most cases, the questioner is truly in awe of you or curious, but doesn't know how to state it in the most positive manner," she says.

If you're feeling particularly snippy, give yourself permission to indulge in a little cattiness now and then. "When asked about more sensitive topics, such as one's experiences with infertility drugs, I recommend responding with a simple, but pointed and equally private question: 'Oh, are you having trouble getting pregnant?'" Lyons says. "That usually stops them in their tracks because they are not nearly as interested in talking about their own lives as they are ... about yours."

Want to see more?

• You Can Do It! 10 Secrets to Surviving the First Year with Twins
• The Terrible Twos Times Two: 10 Secrets to Surviving the Second Year with Twins
• Start the New Year Right: Resolutions for Mothers of Multiples
• Check out our Article Library.
• Talk about it!

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