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Comparing Our Children

Why We Shouldn't

By Julia Rosien

When Kathy Kraik's friend proclaimed that her 1-year-old child knew more than 50 words, Kraik wilted inside. Did her own 1-year-old son, Tyler, know as many? When she got home, she tried to get Tyler to say every word she knew he could – and some she knew he couldn't. She made a list, and by the time her husband came home, Tyler was cranky. Kraik's husband rolled his eyes and promptly took Tyler to the park.

Kraik's story isn't unusual. It's natural to compare one child to another. Parents want to know if their child is "normal," especially in the first years, when many have limited contact with other children their age. In recent years, countless studies have tried to predict how a child will do in school by looking at when he reaches developmental milestones. A great deal of pressure has been placed on parents to ensure their children are performing appropriately for their age.

Lori Tatakis, an early childhood educator in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, points out that children develop at different speeds. Toilet training and reading are big issues with parents, Tatakis notes. Some children train at 18 months while others hold off until they are 4 years old. Parents may worry that their child will be entering school still in diapers and pass those worries on to their youngsters.

"Children are so sensitive, and they will pick up very quickly on pride or disappointment," says Tatakis, who has seen firsthand the negative effects pressure can play in a child's self esteem. She maintains that it's important to accept our children for who they are. "Their time will come when they are ready."

Very often, firstborn children reach all the milestones at an astounding rate. Because there is no competition in the house, a firstborn is given all the attention. Subsequent children may be initially delayed in speaking or motor skills. However, as these children outgrow their desire to let big brother or sister do everything for them, their learning curve spikes. Most parents of multiple children will be quick to point out that speed at acquiring skills has little to do with later success.

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