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Home › Articles › Parenting Preschoolers › Think About It

Think About It

Raising a Thinking Child

By Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D.

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Have you ever heard:

"I had it first!"

"No, I had it first!"

And mom says: "Now look, I can't help you if you don't tell me who really had it first."

She'll never know.

Mom continues: "If you two grab like that, you won't have any friends and you'll break toys and mommy will be mad and you'll both end up in your rooms."

Let's try this again, a problem solving way.

Now, mom says: "Robert, how do you feel when Debbie grabs things from you?"

Robert: "Mad."

Mom: "Debbie, how you feel now?"

Debbie: "Mad."

Mom: "Grabbing is one way to get your toy back. What happens when you grab toys?"

Both kids: "We fight."

Mom then asks: "Can either of you think of a different way so you won't fight?"

Robert: "I can show her how to play with it."

Debbie: "We can play together."

A 4- and 6-year-old -- thinking about feelings and how to solve this problem. And mom helping them do that with a few simple questions.

There are lots of ways to change the behavior of children. We can tell them what to do and what not to do, and even explain. But my research colleague, George Spivack, and I have learned in more than 25 years of research that as early as age 4, children can tell us what to do and what not to do and why -- if they have the skills and the freedom to do that. If we've told a child 1000 times what to do by age four, will the thousand and first time make a difference?


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