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Home › Articles › Discipline › Catch Them Being Good

Catch Them Being Good

Reviewing the Reward System

By Lisamarie Sanders

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The most readily available and easily distributable reward is praise. Though struggling to gain independence, toddlers seek acceptance from the people they love. Using sincere praise rewards them for accomplishments and acceptable behavior while reinforcing the feeling of love between parent and child. "I really like how you behaved in church today." "I'm glad you waited your turn on the swings. I know that wasn't easy." "Wow! You got your shoes on the right feet! Way to go!" Verbal reinforcement is a very powerful motivator.

Time Together
"The most valuable rewards involve spending time together," says Nancy Samalin, parent educator and author of three books, including Loving Your Child Is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works (Penguin, 1998). She explains that young children thrive on the extra attention. Whether it's a stroll through the neighborhood or a trip to the zoo, you can reward your toddler with everyone's most precious commodity: time.

In addition to giving your child something for excellent behavior, you also can take something away. Negative reinforcement, which many confuse with punishment, is quite the opposite. It involves removing something unpleasant to reward your child. For example, if he cares for his pets for an entire week, you might reward him with a day off. If she has kept her room clean, you can volunteer to make her bed. These "rewards in disguise" are surprisingly useful reinforcements.

Many parents are apprehensive about using a reward system because they feel like they are "bribing" their children. Samalin describes the difference: "Bribes are when you tell your child in advance to ensure the behavior you want." Rewards are reinforcements offered after the fact. So, if you say, "If you behave at Great-Grandma's house, I'll get you an ice cream," you would be using a bribe. A reward would be leaving Great-Grandma's and saying, "I really liked the way you behaved today. Let's go get an ice cream." The difference is subtle, but important.

"Bribes are a sign of parental weakness," Samalin says. "They send the message that the reason to do something is not to do the right thing, but to get something at the end." She warns that bribing often leads to manipulative children.

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